


In silent screams and wildest dreams I never dreamed of this

by SelkieWife



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV), The Secret of Roan Inish (1994)
Genre: Child Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Past Abuse, Past Child Death, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-22 23:23:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13177398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SelkieWife/pseuds/SelkieWife
Summary: Throbb Selkie AU for Throbb Secret Santa 2017. For @thespiritofeon on tumblr. Based on the prompt: fantasy/AUI based the information about selkies on The Secret of Roan Inish and stories from my own relatives. I think made up the idea that capturing a selkie could keep sailors safe from drowning.The title is from the Ryan Adams cover of "This Love" by Taylor SwiftThis wasn’t beta’d and I’ve already seen a lot of typos- I’ll try to correct later. I was also kind of a wreck while writing this- so any suggestions to make it better are very welcome (as always.)





	In silent screams and wildest dreams I never dreamed of this

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fox_an_hound](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fox_an_hound/gifts).



**Prologue**

Reek’s broken body was pulled and stretched in the tide as if he were a doll made of cloth. _This is what it is_. He thought. _This is what it means to die_.Torrents of water covered him, burning through his nostrils and into his lungs as the relentless drowning machine of the tide thrashed him in it’s cycle of watery destruction. The salt water was unforgiving and it stung his human skin with numbing coldness. There was no longer seal fur to cover and warm him, not since the master had taken his skin. Reek remembered that fire burns as well as ice but so does salt. _So does salt_. He used all of strength to try to move his limbs but they were as crippled by the waves as they had been by the master’s tortures. The sea pulled him back, pounding and punishing him for escaping his master, for having the audacity to return to the ocean without his skin. The massive curl breaking him with a heaving crash until the waves, like great water wings, spread wide and then enclosed him in their merciless grip. He whispered “Robb…” with his last breath before plunging down beneath the waves.

**Robb**

“Nor chains of love...” Robb muttered to himself as he sat vigil by the half drowned man who had washed up on their shores earlier that afternoon. 

“What are you saying Da?”

Robb met his young daughter’s eyes, like blue piercing mirrors of his own. But her hair was dark, as her mother’s had been before her death. 

“Don’t worry yourself, Theona,” Robb said. “I was just thinking about something old mother Nan had told me about selkies. _Old Nan._ She was still alive, weaving her tales and warnings, ancient as the sea and sand itself. So many lives lost- his parents, his brothers, and yet Old Nan remained.

After another brief silence, young Theona asked expectantly, “Well then? What did she say?” Robb smiled sadly at his daughter. “She told me… that once a selkie finds it’s skin again, neither chains of steel nor chains of love can keep them from the sea.” 

“The man is a selkie!?” Theona gasped, standing up and coming closer to get a better look at the unfortunate soul. “But he is so ugly!?” She exclaimed, so engrossed in looking at Theon that she didn’t notice her father wince violently at her words. “In old Nan’s stories, the selkie men were always handsome. And no woman can resist their charms…” she looked around, “If he is a selkie, where is his _skin_?”

“Bedtime.” Robb barked at his daughter, perhaps more sharply than he should have. She was only a wee lassie after all, living alone with a sad, distant father, surrounded by ghosts.

When Robb had seen his daughter to bed, he came back to where Theon was lying by the fire. _Ugly…. Theon?_ True, his old friend had obviously been badly hurt. That was an understatement in fact. The horrific scars that covered his body were painful to think about much less look at. Robb had had to send Theona out of the room while he and Old Nan dressed his wounds. Some teeth had also been knocked out and his hair was now white as bone. But ugly? From the moment Robb had first met the captured selkie boy to now, Theon had never been anything but beautiful to him. 

Robb reached out a timid hand and touched Theon’s scarred cheek. The same cheek he had kissed, the night he had watched Theon leave. Robb had found Theon’s sealskin… tucked back in a secret truck hidden amongst the cobwebs and ghosts. He had run to his friend immediately after finding it and handed it over. He’d always been like that, he thought bitterly. Doing things he thought would make Theon happy with little thought to the consequences. Little thought to how it would affect him or his family. Loyal to a fault. Loyal and stupid and so so in love with the wild selkie boy. Robb’s eyes eyes filled with traitorous tears. “You promised you would come back,” he whispered, broken. “You promised…” 

**Reek**

Reek kept his eyes shut, as consciousness gradually broke upon him... he was aware of the warmth surrounding him and the softness- the impossible softness of blankets and furs, and the crackling of a fire. The familiar sounds of a home that was never quite his… He was afraid to open his eyes and find himself where he thought he might be but he was more afraid to open his eyes and find that he was not there.

Finally, drawing bravery from the memory of a selkie who used to be called Theon, he peeled his eyes open and Robb’s concerned, freckled face loomed before him. Reek felt his chest filling with something like the memory of joy as he beheld him. The emotion was as foreign as it was alarming, but he wanted to go on feeling it. And for the only time in his brief life, Reek _smiled_. The smile was completely inappropriate. Robb would want to kill him of course- for all Theon had done. Theon had betrayed him, his only friend. Theon had betrayed Robb’s family when he deserted them and left them to sail the treacherous seas without the protection that owning a selkie afforded them. 

Reek knew he would be punished for smiling, punished for remembering Theon, but he could not stop, even as his broken teeth distorted his face and his eyes filled with tears that flowed down into his mouth. He had never dared to dream that he would see Robb again. Robb… he had forgotten everything while the master had his skin, but not Robb. Robb was a name he could never forget or forsake. He always knew Robb’s name even if he could’t remember his own. He knew he shouldn’t be smiling. He knew he should be bowing his head, begging forgiveness, offering his miserable life in payment for his wrongs- what was left of it anyway. But all he could do was lie there smile at Robb. Smiling in pure relief. Smiling at his death.

**Theona**

The strange man made Da happy and that was all that mattered. He was very timid and agitated around her. He never spoke to her unless she asked him something. The first thing she asked him was his name. 

“My name is Theona, what is yours?”

“… R-Reek, miss.”

“Reek?” She wrinkled her nose. I’ve never heard anyone with that name before… nobody has my name either.  It is like Fiona but with a “th” she put her tongue between her teeth to make the sound for him. Da says he named me after his favorite brother who was lost at sea. Da said he was a selkie. Selkie’s can never die though because they are already dead. They are the souls of the drowned men. Most of our family drowned in a shipwreck… Old mother Nan says that Da is surrounded by ghosts of our family…” Theona said with a solemness more appropriate for a child much older than her seven years. At the man’s stricken look, she reached out and touched his gnarled hand. “It’s alright. I like your name. It rhymes with speak.”

After that day, she followed “Mister Reek" around everywhere, insisting that he lean on her if he needed help walking and prattling on to him in the magical language of childhood. If he was disturbed by her constant presence, he never dared to say anything, but accepted it without complaint as if he were afraid to reject it.

Mister Reek had horrible nightmares, they woke Theona on many a night and she would creep into her Da’s room to see him coaxing the trembling man back from whatever demons had their hold on him as he murmured his constant apologies. He often asked for her father to kill him during these times, but Da just held him close, kissing and smoothing back his white hair. 

But there were happy times as well. Da laughed much more and no longer paced on the beach at night searching longingly for the ghosts Old Nan said plagued him. He was more successful at his work, bringing home teams of fresh fish from the sea that she and Mother Nan would clean and cook. Theona’s favorite times were when the three of them would walk on the beach together and Theona would run forward, laughing and collecting more sea shells than she could carry to bring home to old mother Nan who was cooking them dinner. Sometimes she would run into the water with Da and they would dance and play in the salty spray. Reek never came close to the water, he always hung back. But he would look at them with a mournful longing, a quiet, mysterious smile tugging at his lips.

“Will Mister Reek stay forever?” She asked Da as he tucked her in at night. Da would just smile sadly and tell her to get some sleep. But his eyes would turn sad, as if she had just awoken him from a beautiful dream.

**Robb**

In spite of the cold, Theon was outside, wrapped in fur and staring out into the vast expanse of the dark winter sea. Robb approached cautiously, bending to build a fire for them. If Theon insisted on staying outside, he didn’t have to freeze to death.

Theon didn’t turn to look at Robb, but kept his eyes trained on a small form in the waves. “Asha,” he murmured to Robb. “It’s Midwinter night… a time that my people are believed to be able to transform into their seal like form and come back home to the sea. She is waiting for Theon. She is the only one who waits for Theon,” he said regret thick in his voice.”

Robb let the silence penetrate, groping madly for the right words to say. When they came out finally, they were clumsy and stumbling. “Are you going to leave. Will you return again to the sea? Theon…”

“Not Theon! Reek,” Theon Reek looked straight at Robb now, his eyes desperate. 

“Alright… Reek,” Robb said, but it felt like acid on his tongue. “Theona is so fond of you. You _fit_ here with us. We could make a _life_ here. Like we always talked about before… and there is no one left to tell us it’s wrong.” Robb realized that was the wrong thing to say as Theon Reek cringed and curled back into himself. “Theon- sorry, _Reek._ It was not your fault that my parents were ship wrecked. We had no right to keep you with us. Your protection was not owed to us. I do not blame you anymore. I never should have.” it felt odd to admit that his parents had been in the wrong. He’d always thought of them as so honorable But how honorable is it to capture a young boy and force him to serve them and keep them safe from the perils of the sea? They had used a young boy for their own safety. Where was the honor in that? “Please,” he found himself begging. “Theona will be heartbroken if you go…”

“I shouldn’t be around her Robb,” Theon said suddenly, venom and bitter sorrow in his voice. “I shouldn’t be around any children. I- I killed mine.”

The silence was deafening as Robb let Theon’s revelation wash over him. “What do you mean?” He finally asked in a small voice. 

“Exactly what it sounds like,” he spat out, but his face was twisted with remorse and he couldn’t meet Robb’s eyes. “There was a fisherman’s widow who came to the shore… she cried seven tears into the water and I came forth to comfort her- as I did for your mother those many years ago when she cried for your father to return home. But I was a man grown when I met the fisherman’s widow and she needed a man to warm her bed, not protection for her husband. I shed my skin a few times to lie with her, to keep her from loneliness- myself as well. But one time I wasn’t careful and she stole my skin. She wanted me to stay and be a father to her son, Jack. I didn’t mind staying. She had a lively sense of humor and Jack… I grew to love him very much,” he said very quietly “And I didn’t really have a reason to return to my family… they never truly saw me as a seal again once I returned to them. They could understand me being a selkie but, most selkies aren’t taken as children. They don’t live with humans for such a prolonged time, especially the men. When I returned home, there was too much I did not understand about their ways. I tried to prove myself to them. Tried to prove I no longer cared about my human life or my human… human family,” the last word sounded strangled. I promised you I would return to visit you and I didn’t. I… I could have protected your family’s voyages but I took my charms away… I thought you were on that ship, I thought you’d died with them. After that, I knew I’d chosen wrong. I started coming back on land more. I knew you were dead but… I suppose I still thought I would see you again.” he inhaled sharply the memories like a knife. 

Robb nodded and clasped Theon’s hand. Jeyne has been laboring with Theona at the time. He hadn’t wanted to leave her to travel with his family. Theon took a breath and went on. "Eventually my the fisherman's widow bore another boy. _Billy_. We were happy for years… I thought I was a good father to them. I tried to be good. But one day… the boys brought me my skin.” He paused again. Swallowing down his tears. Robb remembered the look  on Theon’s face when he hd give his skin back to him those many years ago. The look was one of complete longing mixed with utter sadness. “You can’t understand what it is like, to belong to both worlds. When selkie are in the ocean, we long to walk on land. But we were not meant to live here, to be human for prolonged periods of times. When we touch our seal skin again… it’s like taking a breath after living in a cell with no air.  You can’t stay with those you’ve grown to love, even if you want to. Even if you wish you could. There is a tide inside you, calling you that will not let you be. I explained to the children that I had to go back to the sea but that I would visit them and make sure they were alright. I really intended to do that,” Theon’s eyes bore into Robb. 

Robb nodded, “I believe you,” he said. 

“I slipped my skin back on and began my swim,” Theon continued. “It felt _so good_ to be back in my skin, back in the salt sea… I could already hear Asha calling to me, but then I saw my boys swimming after me.” Theon had to stop again and choke back a sob. “If I had been a woman I could have taken them with me. When a female selkie carries a human baby, the baby is formed differently. They can survive in the ocean as long as they are with their mothers. But the boys. I had not carried them in my body. They were fully human… I didn’t turn around… I _ignored_ them. I thought that they were going to have enough sense to give up and turn around if I gave them no encouragement. But… the tide was viscious that day…”

Robb tentatively put his arms around Theon and after a moment, Theon let himself relax into his embrace. 

“After that, I didn’t feel right returning to the sea… I would come out too often trying to fuck the pain away with fishwives and sailors. Anyone who would have me… I was reckless with my skin… and then I met… the master…” Theon lips began moving wordlessly and his eyes looked blankly out into the sea. Robb held him still in his arms. He could see Theon’s seal sister clearly now. He tightened his hold around Theon as if to exert his dominance and keep protected from her, even though he knew he couldn’t. 

“He burned my skin. So I could never return to the sea. He made me watch him burn it. I almost died, the pain was so great.” Robb could only stare at Theon, mouth agape. So that explained the scars covering Theon’s emaciated body- scars that looked as if his skin had been brutally ripped off of him. Robb swallowed to keep himself from retching. “I wasn’t a selkie anymore. I will never be one again. I am not Theon anymore. Theon died that day. Theon deserved everything that happened to him. He betrayed people he loved to save his own skin. He deserved to lose it. He deserved to be Reek. Reek never betrayed a friend. Reek never let his sons die…”

Theon buried his head into Robb and sobbed against him. “You shouldn’t worry about me leaving,” Theon said. “I can’t swim anymore. “It’s not my choice to leave or stay. It’s yours. Though I don’t know why you would want me now after you know everything, I’ve done. I wouldn’t.”

“Shhhh…” Robb said as he brushed back Theon’s brittle hair and kissed his forehead. “I want you. I want you now and always.”

**Theon**

Robb must have carried him to bed after his confession. Reek woke up when it was still dark with memories of the night before that belonged to Theon. Robb’s mouth capturing his again and again, his tongue exploring and prodding him, sweet and insistent. Filling him up with his warmth and his seed that tasted like salt on Theon’s tongue. Robb hadn’t minded how he had looked. He’d kissed every scar… Reek curled into himself, filled with equal parts of shame and pleasure at the memories.

He heard old Nan singing off key as she made breakfast in her lilting, slightly annoying voice. “Either death or yourself you will find in the sea… Either death or yourself you will find in the sea…” _So many dead and forgotten, yet that old bat continues to live, bleating her inane songs into eternity_ he thought. He froze when he realized that was something that Theon would think.

He rose from Robb’s warm bed. Something was wrong. Apart from Old Nan’s song, the cabin felt entirely to quiet. Empty... _Asha had been near the shore last night_ …

Before he had the terrifying thought he was already pulling his clothes on and before he got his clothes on, he was already stumbling out the door as Old Nan’s shrill voice followed him, _“You’ll find me in the sea in the sea… in the deep dark sea.”_

He could see the struggling forms of Robb and Theona in the waves as he ran down the beach. He realized Theona must have gone in, perhaps intrigued by the form of his seal sister dancing in the waves, and Robb was trying to pull her back and getting sucked out himself. “Curse you Asha,” he shouted as he ran… _another child’s death and it’s your fault_ he thought as the salt spray leapt up around him burning his skin and his eyes. _What are you doing? You are worthless. They are more likely to die with you trying to help._ He tripped and fell as he ran into the break, but caught himself by beginning to swim. _Swim… he was swimming…_

He pushed ahead, emptying his mind of anything until he reached out and grabbed Robb by the arm. The waves pushed and pulled them mercilessly but he managed to hang on. “I’ve got you!” He shouted at Robb. “I’ve got you, grab her!” It felt like an age where the three of them struggled to hold on to each other. Finally Robb managed to grasp Theona’s fingers. 

Theon pulled with all his might, pulling them to land, to breath to safety. The waves pounded and thrashed them as they were washed to the shore. Theona collapsed when her feet touched the shore. And she threw up water and coughed and cried. Robb began yelling at her enraged in his fear. “What were you thinking? You could have drowned! You could have drowned!”

Theona tried to stand but her legs were like the sand beneath her and she collapsed again crying, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry…” her eyes wide and fearful, staring at nothing. Theon crawled over to her and touched her cheek. “It’s alright,” he told her kindly, “It’s not your fault, don’t fret. You know me. I’m Theon, you remember.” He hadn’t realized he had referred to himself as Theon until he looked up and saw the tears of relief and love shining in Robb’s eyes. A moment later, Theona’s little wet arms were around his neck and Robb was embracing him as well. Feeling a little child’s body so close to him made him weep for Jack and little Billy. The sons he had failed to save. Billy had been so very small the first night he had held him in his arms. The night he swore he’d protect him now and always. The memory made him want to run and hide himself from the smiling faces of Robb and Theona. But instead, he swallowed a wretched sob and put his unworthy arms around them both. The dawn broke gently on the little family, huddled on the shore where the land meets the sea.


End file.
